Okay so let’s say you’re invited to a Halloween party and you have to dress up. Or let’s say you don’t have a party to go to, and you don’t have plans, but you’re gonna dress up anyways because you’re awesomely lame. And let’s say you like being the one whom everyone asks, “So…what…are you?” And let’s say you would never dress up as a witch or hippie because that’s just lame lame, not awesomely lame. You are in the right place.

I’m gonna share my past Halloween costumes with you—feel free to steal them—in the hopes that you’ll give me some awesomely lame ideas in return for this year. I’m posting this early so I can give myself time to make the costume (I don’t actually sew, but I find staplers come in handy and add that little je ne sais quoi).

The year we moved to the desert, I made saguaro and jumping cholla costumes. What the hell’s a saguaro, you ask? (Pronounced “sa-wah-ro”…if you don’t say it like this we’ll know you’re from out of town). Here’s what it is:

Oh yes, now you know, right? And here’s a jumping cholla…so named because those links break off easily and get stuck to you when go near them:

For some reason, I can’t find the pictures from that long ago, but here’s the hat (I’m not putting on the rest of the costume…because):

I found a little white bird ornament at the dollar store, which I painted grey to make it look like a mourning dove and used pipe cleaners for the pricklies. Here’s what a real mourning dove looks like:

They are not the most intelligent birds, as you can see by the ridiculously small nest. Anyways, here’s the saguaro costume, which I really can’t wear because it’s too big:

The beak fell off the dove on the saguaro hat, which makes it even more awesomely lame. Saguaros have waxy white flowers, so I just glued some plastic white flowers on the hat. Bonus points if you make little saguaro fruits, which I did not do. I did, however, make little detachable links for the jumping cholla costume and when people came nearby, I’d rubber band a link to their wrist. Just doing my jumping cholla thing, you know.

And now for you SCIENCE GEEKS:

Can you guess what we are?

Well, I’ll wait until the end of the post to tell you, so you’ll have time to mull it over.

Here’s the next one, from some year back there:

Okay, you won’t guess what I am from the picture above because I don’t have a good one showing my DRAGON TATTOO. Hint. Hint. And those things in the photo to the right are paint color samples in various shades of grey. Hint. Hint.

And finally, you’re not gonna be able to guess this. Nobody at the party got it:

So we are The Wind and a Tumbleweed. Can you believe no one made any comments like, “So you blow him?” Still a little upset about that. For the wind costume I used heavy wire to make it look like my scarf is blowing and then I just messed up my hair and put on an ‘ethereal’ dress. For the tumbleweed costume, I used the extra wire from the first costume and bent it into a wild looking hat shape, then tied raffia to it. Staple more raffia to a neutral shirt (brown would have been a better color choice, but whatever). I’m telling you, rock the stapler.

Now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for. The answers:

1. A Black Hole, A Shooting Star. Take a trip to your local thrift store and pick up a hand vacuum and spray paint it black. Wear all black, and, if you wish, staple little stars to your shirt. For the shooting star costume I bought a tacky shiny yellow vest with streamers at the thrift store and painted a poster board yellow before cutting it into a star shape. I may have stapled on some extra poster board to create shoulder straps. Think, sandwich board. Then I used more yellow poster board to make a hat. It would be easier to just find yellow poster board, but I couldn’t, so I had to do it the hard way. Get a spicy-looking toy gun and you’re set.

2. If you’re still not figuring it out based on the hints, I really don’t know what to tell you. But I won’t be a jerk—The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, Fifty Shades of Grey. (And yes, I counted.) To pull these off: Get a dragon tattoo (permanent or not, as you wish) and hit up the teeny bopper stores at the mall for the cheap accessories. Then do your hair in a faux-hawk. (PUT YOUR COSTUME ON FIRST!) There are tons of how-to sites out there. Fifty Shades is the most economical costume…pick up fifty paint chips at Home Depot or wherever and staple them to your shirt and you’re set.

Now, any ideas from you? I’m running out of creativity here.